Affluenza: A poem I wrote about my disgust with stuff.

Affluenza*

This goddamn
addiction to junk
cloggin' up my life...
kills my calm like a knife
Where once endless possibilities
Now exists a littered shell-
of receipts that tell
the story of need
an attempt to feed.
A slave- 'til the grave?
This shit owns me.
Will a day ever come
that I'll truly be free?
Shake the desire
to acquire
despite what I see?
It becomes satire,
That's making me sick
it matters not what,
it's an addiction, an affliction
bought without a thought.
Possess it, have it--It's mine, I OWN it!
Bitter midlife irony-
if only I'd known it,
way back when
I'd started consuming-
That feelings and highs
Derived from the score,
Have a downside- a backslide-
Don't cure the empty before.
Desperation taunts,
under assail
never realize (or supress) that it's
Self worth for sale
no matter your size
Get in line
"Buy your happiness here!"
Don't bother
It's confusion, an illusion
Feeding on fear.

-------------------------------~Mary Z. 2007----------------------------

*Affluenza is actually a book and PBS documentary about the more we acquire-- the more depressed we get, as a nation--hence... the more we aquire. Vicious cycle.
Buy Buy Buy... American as Apple Pie.

My first ever "adult" attempt at poetry.

BIPOLAR -
Too anxious-
can't sleep.
Down some pills.
To hell with my liver.
It's about now.
Sleep restores,
heals,
numbs
puts off "the list"
--the inevitable,
muted
taunting.
The incomplete,
undone,
unattained,
unrealized --awaits.
And with it?
Another morning.
Another pill-

Caffeinate.
Though I shouldn't.
Do I have to be anywhere?
I want desperately to imagine,
create,
build.
Something
euphoric-
better than expected--
brilliant.
Sublime.
Mostly instead,
I do not move.
I stare at a screen--
desperate to determine
if I matter to anyone,
which is absurd.-
I build a fire.
Hibernate.
Read.
My private world--
no one is invited.
Time lingers,
floats-
is suspended...
evaporates.
I squander time,
unashamed,
for awhile.

Then at precisely 5:50,
life intrudes.
The garage door-opening
signals the end of my solitude,
and ironically
the start of a different kind
of -- shared isolation.
Anticipating silent questions:
"what have you done?",
"What haven't you done?"
I rush to appear
nonchalant.
Turn on the lights,
turn off the computer,
feed the dog,
get dressed.
I have it down.
Caught in the act-
of doing
nothing.

OOPs I did it again... A good laugh for the New Year.

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back or that you could crawl into a hole ?
*I was at the golf store
comparing different kinds
of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type
I had been using. After browsing for
several minutes, I was approached
by one of the good- looking gentlemen
who works at the store. He asked if
he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him
and said,
"I think I like playing with men's balls."
*My sister and I were at the mall and passed
by a store that sold a variety of candy
and nuts. As we were looking at
the display case, the boy behind
the counter asked if we needed
any help. I replied,
"No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically,
the boy grinned, and I turned
beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never
let me forget.
*Have you ever asked your child
a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot
of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell
for a quick lunch in between errands.
It was very busy, with a full dining
room. While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.
Then I realized that Danny had not
asked to go potty in a while,
so I asked him if he needed to go,
and he said, "No."
I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child
has had an accident, and I don't
have any clothes with me."
Then I said,
"Danny, are you SURE you didn't
have an accident?"
"No," he replied. I just KNEW that
he must have had an accident,
because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time,
"Danny, did you have an accident?"
This time he jumped up,
yanked down his pants, bent over
and spread his cheeks and yelled.
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to
death on their tacos laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants and
sat down.
An old couple made me feel better
by thanking me for the best laugh
they'd ever had!
*This had most of the state of
Michigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female
news anchor who will, in the future,
likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict
snow but don't get any?
A true story. We had a female
news anchor who, the day after
it was supposed to have snowed
and didn't, turned to the
weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches
you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave
the set, but half the crew did too!
While on a flight from New York ,
the Stewardess was busy passing
out peanuts and cokes to everyone.
There were about sixteen flights
lined up waiting to get clearance
to take off.
Then the other Stewardess got a
message from the Pilot that the
tower said the wind had changed 180 degrees and they were first in
line to take off, and to have
everyone buckle up.
Without thinking she just announced
"Please buckle up, grab your drinks
and hold your nuts, we're taking off!".
No one saw her for the rest of the
flight to Houston, and all the other
Stewardesses were laughing
all the way and so were half of
the passengers.
Now, didn't that feel good ?
Pass it on to someone
you know who needs
a good laugh

Toddler's Creed or Mine Mine Mine. Merry Christmas!

"Toddler's Creed" (Can extend into adulthood in some instances)

If I want it, it's mine.
If I give it to you and change my mind later, it's mine.
If I can take it away from you, it's mine.
If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
If it's mine it will never belong to anbody else, no matter what.
If we are building something together, all the pieces are mine.
If it looks just like mine, it is mine.

I just filled the stocking by the Chimney with care... with exact duplicates of everything so my girls (well truthfully Daddy and me) don't DESPAIR!

Ho! Ho! Ho!
Merry Christmas (x 2) ;-)

movie making up link

Enter a word and get a random quote. Try to see if you can figure out the movie if not.. ya have to cheat and click... "what movie" Insert random words for amusing Mad lib type results.

Idiomatic Puns (thanks s-i-l)

IDIOMATIC PUNS
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
>
A backward poet writes inverse.
>
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
>
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
>
Practise safe eating - always use condiments.
>
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
>
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
>
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
>
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
>
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
>
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
>
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
>
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
>
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
>
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
>
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
>
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
>
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
>
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
>
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
>
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
>
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
>
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
>
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
>
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
>
Every calendar's days are numbered.
>
A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
>
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
>
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
>
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
>
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
>
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
>
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
>
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
>
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
>
Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Learn to speak Southern US

1. JAWJUH- noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida. Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck."
2. BARD- verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
3. MUNTS- noun. A calendar division. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I aint herd from him in munts."
4. RANCH- noun. A tool. Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
5. ALL- noun. A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."
6. DAYUM- A cuss word Rhett Butler used in "Gone With the Wind." Usage: "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a dayum."
7. IGNERT- adjective. Not smart. See "Auburn Alumni." Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"
8. BAHS- noun. A supervisor. Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!"
9. BAWL- What water does at 212 degrees Fahrenheit. Usage: "That gal cain't even bawl water without burnin' it."
10. TIRE- noun. A tall monument. Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
11. TARRED- adverb. Exhausted. Usage: "I just flew in from Et-lanna, and boy my arms are tarred."
12. OVAIR- In that direction. Usage: "Where's yo paw, son?" "He's ovair, suh."
13. FARN- adjective. Not local. Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed. .. must be from some farn country."
14. EAR- noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA). Usage: "He can't breathe. .. give 'em some ear!"
15. JU-HERE- a question. Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?"
16. MUCHABLIGE- Thank you. Usage: "Muchablige for the lift, mister."
17. IDINIT- Term employed by genteel Southerners to avoid saying Ain't. Usage: "Mighty hot today, idinit?"
18. SEED- Seen, past tense. Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City."
19. VIEW- Have You? Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City! ... view ?"
20. HEAVY DEW- phrase. A request for action. Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?"

Entirely TOOOOOOOOO much time on your hands???

http://www.tamponcrafts.com/ This is PRECISELY what the post menopausal woman who misses the whole process needs to feel in touch with her "inner woman" or the hysteromy woman's healing therapy???

and if that weren't weird enough.. If you are NEW to the subject and need, perhaps a DEMO and don't mind destroying a barbier in the process.... this site is for you.

http://www.paaady.de/site/unfug/barbie.htm

Or if you just want to convert one from abnormal woman to say a baglady or whatever... here's the place for you.

Now, if you are a HISTORY biff.. There is a SITE for YOU!!!

http://www.mum.org/ We,ve come a LOOOOOONG way baby.

Humming STXY "Too much time on my hands" Oh, if you are under 30, or need a refresher... http://www.styxnet.com/styxlyrics/tmtomh.htm

What Unknown Holiday were YOU born On...

http://library.thinkquest.org/2886/INDEX.HTM

O was born Sept. 2nd... National BEHEADING DAY.....???? Great.