The TREE

October is not usually a good month for me. We have a Chinese Elm that drops trou okay okay so it drops seeds but it may as well be mooning me for all the misery it causes me. Itty bitty brown seeds that look like finely ground dried red chili peppers. They blanket the ground, patio furniture, sand box… and if the windows or sliding doors are open. I’m as good as outdoors.
I imagine it to be somewhat like snorting pepper (not that I‘ve DONE this)... a sneeze fest follows and then, as a result I have two major problems. First, I am a runny nosed, watery eyed mess-- tissue anyone?? PLEASE! I have to ask, how on EARTH can all that snot not be there one minute and conjure itself up en masse the next??!! The miracle of my body membranes dislike of this tree is what. The second problem is somewhat more embarrassing. By the way WARNING**If you are a man, skip to conclusion…for the TREE wrap up.** Well, ladies… you may have guessed it … birthing babies and out of control sneezing makes for one thing. The quick leg cross. Yup, the lets avert the squirt stance. Sneezing, uncontrolled laughter… years ago. I was golden. Not to confuse you-- golden as in “held it, no problem“. Now, well… pushing out a 9 pound baby changes a few things. And don’t give me any of your kegel sphiel . I don’t buy it. Women have been doing that all their lives at sporting events, theme parks, theaters, YOU NAME IT. Whilst the men folk are a constant revolving door of relief…we are a long snaked line of kegel practicing leg-crossed, antsy women often desperate enough to discussing hijacking the sure to be disgusting “MENS” facilities. The occasional line crosser actually stooping to such a desperate measure. (Usually in a venue where beer and or wine is being served, so that the bladder is fuller and the inhibitions lower). But anyways.
**Men reenter at this point**
I’ve surrendered a solid month out of every year to this admittedly beautiful, shady, bird haven. But… I can’t guarantee it will be here next year. It started earlier than usual this year because of the odd weather pattern and so it encroached on my SEPTEMBER!!! Pre-daylight savings. This tree has crossed a line and I’m getting tired of being claritinized for a solid month out of every year. My husband made his first mention of maybe getting a pool someday…. Man oh MAN am I SO jumping on THAT bandwagon. But, it’s really kind of a shame… the tree will have to go. *ear to ear grin*